THE NORTH RIDING PROJECT

FAT CLAIRE

Fat Claire lives up Back Moor Lane. She lives in a tiny house with a tiny dog. She is nearly as big as John Brower Minnoch. John Brower Minnoch is the fattest man in the world. He lives in America. He weighs 99 stone. Every time he wants to go for a shit, twelve firemen have to come and lift him. Fat Claire is a white witch.

ODD KIRK

Odd Kirk lives in a shed and always keeps his curtains closed, even when it’s sunny. He only goes out at night. This means he is nocturnal. Other examples of nocturnal are badgers, owls and vampire bats. He hangs his arms down like a gorilla. Calum’s brother says if he went on World’s Strongest Man he might win it. The World’s Strongest Man is Jon-Pall Sigmarsson.

SKINNY ANNIE ELLIS

Skinny Annie Ellis lives up the High Street. She is the thinnest person in the whole wide world. She has suckered-in cheeks and fish-lips. She looks like a ghost. If you held a bit of string up in front of her you wouldn’t be able to see her. Calum’s dad says what that lass needs is a good square meal. She is an anorexic. Another example of anorexic is Bobby Sands. He was a Provisional Irish Republican Army volunteer. Once we left a Mr Kipling’s French Fancy on her front path.

THE HUNCHBACK KID

The Hunchback Kid works on the fair. He has a lump on his back like he has a pillow stuffed up his tee-shirt. He works on the swingboats. He stands so he can see up the girls’ skirts. Once we spied on Calum’s brother snogging Cheryl Johnson round the back of the swingboats. If The Hunchback Kid touches you when he gives you your change, you have to wash your hands or you might grow a hump as well.

Staniforth/Fryupdale